Thursday, January 10, 2019

Taking It Personally

     Have you ever felt the sting that comes from someone inadvertently and/or callously denigrating your work?  Someone said something to me the other day about my school, and it hurt. I was rendered speechless.  My throat constricted, my chest ached.  My mind was spinning.  I tried to shake it off, but people could see the change in my presence.

The Downward Spiral
     I started getting angry and blaming the teacher, the parent, even the student.  Then, I started blaming myself.  I'm the principal, the buck stops with me. Everything from daily operations, instruction, and school culture are in my domain. I started wondering about what to do do about this.  Do I tell the teacher?  I don't want her to feel what I'm feeling, it's sure to negatively impact instruction.  Do I talk to anyone in my school setting?  I don't want this to spread and become this negative wave washing over our school.  What's really the issue?  I never got past the metaphoric statement that was made.  Is it me?  Do I have nothing more to bring to this community?  I feel I do.  I love it here.  We've done so much great work, but is it like a mentor once said, you'll know when you should move on...? Are teachers tired of me?  Are they uninspired?  No, they're not uninspired, they inspire me daily! So, it must be me.  If only I was more explicit.  If only I gave more directives or forced my ideas.  No, no, that never works.  Everything we do we have to do in relationship with others.  Where have I gone wrong in my relationship with the teacher?  Ack!

Meditation
     This thinking took me late into the evening.  I felt depression settling in.  I withdrew from my family.  I felt awful.  I ended up turning on a meditation podcast to try to ease that tension in my gut and to try to get my mind off this obsessive thinking.  I followed that with some mindless social media scrolling and game playing.  Thankfully, this was enough to calm things down so I could sleep.

Vulnerability and Friendship
    The next day, feeling rested but still down, I talked to a colleague at school.  I let her know my fears around my ownership of this problem.  Very kindly, she reflected back what I needed to hear.  I have brought about positive change.  We see it in our adult interactions and we see it in our kids.  She affirmed for me that, yes, I do have more to give.  I'm constantly questioning and learning in my own practice.  She sees it in the way I interact with kids and teachers, and even in the way I wonder aloud.  I felt better by that.  Later, in the context of a different subject, I brought the feelings up with another couple of colleagues.  They helped me process the "now what?"

Reflection and Action
   In these conversations I realized, that I had a choice - let that information push me into the depths of despair and give up...find a new job where I'm not as vulnerable and invested - OR I could do what I do and inquire further.  I can connect with the individual to uncover the specifics of what prompted the statement. I could also put together a survey or a focus group to uncover what aspects of the comment are pervasive - culturally and instructionally? Maybe there'll be some nuggets of information that we uncover that will help us grow.

    By allowing myself to be vulnerable with colleagues (but thinking about what information I wanted to share), I was able to come to some level of acceptance so that I could DO something other than feel bad and second guess myself.   It helped me to process those feelings so that I could turn to the work.  I think they felt the trust it took for me to be open.  In allowing them in and allowing their support, our relationship was strengthened.  More broadly, they will also see and feel how their support and insights help me formulate my next steps and impact it will ultimately have on our school.
      I also learned some things about myself. This is my process.  I need to move through it. The meditation helped me sleep which allowed me to come back to it with a somewhat clear head.  I learned that being vulnerable is HARD for me, but when I go there, it's almost always cathartic.   I also learned that no matter the situation, setting, etc, I will ALWAYS have something more to bring to the table because I am committed to learning, innovating, and reflecting.

    These feelings will no doubt come again as I am challenged.  So, I'm letting this reflection serve as a reminder to myself.

  1. Notice what shakes you, it's important.
  2. Denial, anger, blaming, depression, etc. is a normal part of the process.  Pay attention to it, but don't let it envelop you.
  3. Mindfulness can help stave those cyclical thoughts to get the sleep or headspace that's needed to look at it differently.
  4. Vulnerability (in leaders) can build relationship and enhance culture.  Allowing myself to be vulnerable helps me to process more quickly so I can get on to doing the work.
  5. You're only done when you choose not to learn and grow.


Edit to include this cool visual shared by @ACOFEE




 


2 comments:

  1. I feel so connected with what you have written. I especially liked how you talked about the process that emerged you as a better person. I think when somethings shakes us up like dirt in water, things begin to clear up. But we have to let ourselves go through the process and mindfulness helps us get there. Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love your metaphor! Thanks for the feedback and for being a thought partner.

    ReplyDelete

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